Hello, blank page. It’s okay to see you again. It’s been a little over 4 months that I have been sober. It’s been 4 months since my ex broke up with me. It’s been a little over one month since we have talked at all. I’m on my 4th step of AA now. A lot of people think it’s the hardest step. I haven’t researched much about it yet but I know that’s it the one where you write about all the shit you’ve done in your life that was wrong. It’s an inventory of your self… and I’m really not ready for that shit. So it’s like I’ve been doing a step a month but this one is going to take a bit. It’s not that I don’t feel blame for the things I’ve done… I think I feel too much blame. It’s easier for me to blame myself than someone else. That’s one of the first things I really had to realize after this breakup happened that it wasn’t just my fault.
Anyway, enough about all of that. my weekend was really great. I went to Ohayocon and volunteered all weekend. Which means my room was paid for, my food was paid for, and obviously my badge for the even was paid for. Plus I got to be there Thursday night instead of Friday morning. I made friends with my roommates who were really great. 2 girls called me cute. Which was SO COOL. I really have been working on watching what I eat and becoming more active. I signed up for an obstacle course that is taking place in June, so now I have something to work toward because working out is just really lonely sometimes. Actually, most of my life is pretty lonely right now.
Moving on is weird. I don’t feel like the worst person in the world anymore but I can assure everyone who’s reading this(most likely no one) I am no where near being able to just fall into someone else’s arms ANYTIME SOON. So as much as I enjoyed 2 girls telling me I’m cute and a few wanting to dance with me at the rave, I just couldn’t reciprocate. And I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to touch another human being like I touched my ex. The idea of kissing someone who isn’t her feels so foreign to me right now. Hugging people is just awkward to me and going on a date with anyone just makes me feel gross, honestly.
I’m trying to throw myself into the things I love. Music, writing, art, helping people… and all those things are going well. But I could be busy every day of the week, I could stay out all night and surrounded myself with people and new places, and new sounds, but eventually… I have to be alone. By myself. In my bed. With no one. With just my mind and the countless memories that replay in my head. So this journey isn’t about getting over her. It’s about getting over myself. Getting to become the person I have always been afraid to be. Because getting over her, yeah that’s hard, I guess, but becoming ME, that’s the harder part.
That’s all I have to say for right now. I wonder when I will even start to write about my 4th step. I’m on second shift today. I haven’t done that since my ex broke up with me. So it’s going to be weird I think. But hey, at least it’s still work. Something to focus on.