Words

I haven’t slept today and I kind of like it. My body is vibrating. I’m not okay and I’m not really sure if I’m allowed to be most of the time.

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Words

Snow Covered

I am
A station wagon with fake wood plated to the sides
On a dirt covered back road
Going fifty-five
With the lights off
The interior smells of
Stale cigarette smoke
And whiskey from
A plastic bottle
Melted into the burn marks
On the felt seats

I am
A passenger watching a man swaying
From one side of the road to the other
Sporadic like a tadpole swimming
For the first time
He speaks to me in colors
And every time he opens his mouth
I see grays swirled in black
Like if the sky started to fall
Into a black hole and we
Could all watch it happen without
Falling too
I don’t understand anything he keeps
Trying to convey
But the more time that passes
Without me answering
He gets louder and louder
His driving gets more aggressive
Until a tree stops time

I am
The snow covered ground
Garnished with drops of blood
The smell of silence
And as I breath deep
I cough up the cold
Into my shaking hands, looking
Into the unknown
Where everything is perfect
Because I don’t know it isn’t yet
Or if it ever will be
And all I am
Is nothing
And everything
At the same time
Forever changed
And unchanged

Snow Covered

Nirvana

Waking up to you smiling saying “good morning” breathing softly in my ear as your head lays in the valley of my arm. Your friends bull-shitting in our living room while everyone sips jack and mountain dew to the memory of a man you only know from stories and broken faded memories. And all I can do is wish I could give everything that makes me who I am to give you 5 more minutes with him. I would rip every vain from my body to give him back to you. To take away every piece of pain you’ve ever felt. And for every vain, drop of blood I wish I could take away all the broken love you thought loved you too. When people use the metaphor” I want to give you the world” I think they mean they want to get rid of the pain but leave everything else for you. Because what would be living if only you existed? 

I want to experience drunken arguing at 3am about why I don’t talk to my parents more. Crying in your arms not knowing why I even exist but knowing my existence means more now than it ever has. I want you to break me open because you’re the only one I know that knows the right words and hugs the right way to make me feel like I’ve always wanted to feel. And whether I know it now or not, these desperate moments drive the way to Nirvana. And for that, I would never give that up. Because we strive for Nirvana but we never know when we reach it, and that is what you are. 

Nirvana

Midnight Thoughts

When I can’t sleep 

I write
But now with you in my life
When I can’t sleep
I write and
Think about you
And currently all I can think about
Is how this
Whatever we’re doing
This falling in love
I hope I do it better
This diving into deep water
I hope I swim better
This walking into a dark room
I hope I don’t break too many things
This understanding of your lifes language
I hope I listen better
This love
I hope it puts every John Green book
To shame. 

Midnight Thoughts