Apologies

Sorry isn’t much
sometimes,
your “sorry’s” turn
to stone blocks strapped
to your feet
you fall ,dive, right
into the ocean
dragged to the bottom
until your vision starts
to blur
and slowly fades
away.

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Apologies

Nirvana

Waking up to you smiling saying “good morning” breathing softly in my ear as your head lays in the valley of my arm. Your friends bull-shitting in our living room while everyone sips jack and mountain dew to the memory of a man you only know from stories and broken faded memories. And all I can do is wish I could give everything that makes me who I am to give you 5 more minutes with him. I would rip every vain from my body to give him back to you. To take away every piece of pain you’ve ever felt. And for every vain, drop of blood I wish I could take away all the broken love you thought loved you too. When people use the metaphor” I want to give you the world” I think they mean they want to get rid of the pain but leave everything else for you. Because what would be living if only you existed? 

I want to experience drunken arguing at 3am about why I don’t talk to my parents more. Crying in your arms not knowing why I even exist but knowing my existence means more now than it ever has. I want you to break me open because you’re the only one I know that knows the right words and hugs the right way to make me feel like I’ve always wanted to feel. And whether I know it now or not, these desperate moments drive the way to Nirvana. And for that, I would never give that up. Because we strive for Nirvana but we never know when we reach it, and that is what you are. 

Nirvana

Midnight Thoughts

When I can’t sleep 

I write
But now with you in my life
When I can’t sleep
I write and
Think about you
And currently all I can think about
Is how this
Whatever we’re doing
This falling in love
I hope I do it better
This diving into deep water
I hope I swim better
This walking into a dark room
I hope I don’t break too many things
This understanding of your lifes language
I hope I listen better
This love
I hope it puts every John Green book
To shame. 

Midnight Thoughts