4 months, 4th step

Hello, blank page. It’s okay to see you again. It’s been a little over 4 months that I have been sober. It’s been 4 months since my ex broke up with me. It’s been a little over one month since we have talked at all. I’m on my 4th step of AA now. A lot of people think it’s the hardest step. I haven’t researched much about it yet but I know that’s it the one where you write about all the shit you’ve done in your life that was wrong. It’s an inventory of your self… and I’m really not ready for that shit. So it’s like I’ve been doing a step a month but this one is going to take a bit. It’s not that I don’t feel blame for the things I’ve done… I think I feel too much blame. It’s easier for me to blame myself than someone else. That’s one of the first things I really had to realize after this breakup happened that it wasn’t just my fault.

Anyway, enough about all of that. my weekend was really great. I went to Ohayocon and volunteered all weekend. Which means my room was paid for, my food was paid for, and obviously my badge for the even was paid for. Plus I got to be there Thursday night instead of Friday morning. I made friends with my roommates who were really great. 2 girls called me cute. Which was SO COOL. I really have been working on watching what I eat and becoming more active. I signed up for an obstacle course that is taking place in June, so now I have something to work toward because working out is just really lonely sometimes. Actually, most of my life is pretty lonely right now.

Moving on is weird. I don’t feel like the worst person in the world anymore but I can assure everyone who’s reading this(most likely no one) I am no where near being able to just fall into someone else’s arms ANYTIME SOON. So as much as I enjoyed 2 girls telling me I’m cute and a few wanting to dance with me at the rave, I just couldn’t reciprocate. And I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to touch another human being like I touched my ex. The idea of kissing someone who isn’t her feels so foreign to me right now. Hugging people is just awkward to me and going on a date with anyone just makes me feel gross, honestly.

I’m trying to throw myself into the things I love. Music, writing, art, helping people… and all those things are going well. But I could be busy every day of the week, I could stay out all night and surrounded myself with people and new places, and new sounds, but eventually… I have to be alone. By myself. In my bed. With no one. With just my mind and the countless memories that replay in my head. So this journey isn’t about getting over her. It’s about getting over myself. Getting to become the person I have always been afraid to be. Because getting over her, yeah that’s hard, I guess, but becoming ME, that’s the harder part.

That’s all I have to say for right now. I wonder when I will even start to write about my 4th step. I’m on second shift today. I haven’t done that since my ex broke up with me. So it’s going to be weird I think. But hey, at least it’s still work. Something to focus on.

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4 months, 4th step

Hello world

Today I am at Ohayocon enjoying myself being surrounded by really awesome people. I am happy to be volunteering this year. I probably won’t have a lot to say until its all over, so for now I hope that everyone has a good weekend.

Hello world

It is Wednesday

Hello again, blank page. I’m currently at work being hounded for coding changes I don’t know how to do it off the top of my head. I remember a year ago I wanted this to be my life. Preferably I would have expected more pay, but I guess just being in this position is good enough for now. Anyway, this is me stalling. This is me giving my mind a break from code and getting into language. I guess it’s not really a break but do I really ever let myself stop anymore?

When I start to stop, when I start to relax I feel like i’m not doing enough. It makes me feel like if I am not doing then what good am I? I know it’s a bad place to be in my head but that’s how I feel. And I guess these journal entries are supposed to be how I feel. I feel like I have to continuously push forward and “be better,” whatever the hell that means, to get someone to love me again. I’m still fighting that stupid battle in my head that I’m just not good enough for love. That without having a person love me, a person to come home to, a person to work for, that I am just… well, nothing. Living life alone is so strange.

Everyone keeps telling me I’ll meet someone who will knock my socks off, and I tell them that I already did. I fucked up and I lost that person. I don’t think people get lucky like that twice. So that’s my heart talking.

My brain talking says there’s no way in hell I wont find someone else because I’m pretty great. A great job, passions and aspirations, I’m adventurous and funny, and I care. A lot. About everyone. I think I’m kind. Now with not drinking I wont freak out in a bar again. I wont freak out at all. I still get sad but it’s contained. I’m not suicidal(not that I think that’s cured) but I am finding things to do with my sadness and anger. My angsty teenage resentment still left over from a life of struggle that really only ended 2 years ago. I write every day and I play music. I do art and create things with my hands. I volunteer so my existence feels useful.

This weekend I am going to Columbus with a few friends, and it will be a fun time. That will get my mind away from things for awhile.

Anyway, I think I am done writing for today.

It is Wednesday

Hi Tuesday

I don’t have much to say today other than I was really happy to get home and hope onto the couch with my little floofy guy and watch some tv. Today at work was long. Tomorrow is my last full day of the week. I’m excited for that.

Now for some tea, a nice hot shower, and some more kitty cuddles to finish off this mighty fine rainy evening.

Hi Tuesday

Hello Monday

Wow, Monday already. I traveled quite a bit this weekend. Friday I picked up a friend from about an hour away to bring her back up here to enjoy some awesome Cleveland Barrio and hookah at my favorite little place over in Parma. I like the one in Willoughby, but honestly anywhere I went with my ex I just don’t even want to go to anytime soon. I feel it will happen sooner or later that I will see her but honestly, if she wanted to see me she would have reached out. I’m not one to pry myself back into someone’s life when they have found the out that’s what they wanted. I used to do anything and everything I could to get an ex to love me back, to show them that I had changed, to get closure or whatever. It’s all just bullshit though. If you can’t love someone back through a bad time, through a bad month, through your own shit, then yeah, it’s over. And you know, that’s okay. No hard feelings. But, that totally doesn’t mean I want to be your friend. I loved you. I loved you so much. And I have no doubts about you loving me the same, but you know, life gets in the way. Sometimes that brings people closer, sometimes that rips them apart. Sometimes, you or the other person just doesn’t want to work that hard because they see no reward in it. Sometimes, like for me in this case, I just didn’t know who I could become. And I’m glad I have this opportunity to create something beautiful out of my life.

Anyway, I had a great weekend. I hung out with friends from Canton. We met a woman broken down on the side of the road. We pushed her car to the nearest gas station. She was crying. Her name is J. We took her to the house I had driven an hour and a half to go to. My hosts gave her $50 and offered to make her dinner. My hosts asked me to play music and she cried as I played a song. If that doesn’t make you believe you were indeed in the right place at the right time that day, then you don’t understand fate. I am so glad I met her. We listened to weird music, I danced and everyone laughed. On our way taking her home my host and I talked to her about life. About depression, about anxiety, about the “bad” and “good” of life. About perception. I’m not sure how old J is, but she’s a student at Mount Union. She was going through a lot that day. She was just trying to get back home when her car died. She lost her credit card earlier that day and her entire family was over 2 hours away and had no way to help her.

J grew up in Mississippi, she is one of 6, she is number 3. Her mother and siblings moved to Marion, Ohio because even though there’s nothing in Marion, there’s more of nothing in Mississippi. Where racism is still a normal part of every day there. J is one of 2 other working people in her family and growing up as one of the oldest it was her and her sisters job to pay for all the necessities. Her mother didn’t work. She never worked. And, she was never going to. J grew up money poor but socially rich surrounded by siblings and friends but still felt depressed and alone. And, how could you not? When all your effort goes to pay for your parent to make no effort at all? J is currently enrolled at Mount Union as a Criminal Justice major. She works as an RA, she’s president of a few clubs, and gives tours of the university. J’s car may have broken down which is a “bad” thing but she made 3 new friends on Saturday. My Canton hosts made sure to find someone to tow her car for free and to tell her what is wrong with the car. She thanked all of us voraciously and said we were the nicest strangers she has ever met. I don’t doubt that but it’s all about being open to experiencing people. She opened up to us because we were with her in a vulnerable moment. In a moment of weakness. And most times, people don’t let you meet them in that state.

So anyway, that was my weekend. I’m still a tad bit hesitant and awkward around the Canton people. They are wonderful, genuine, kind-hearted people but they as a couple like me a lot. And I’m not sure I’m ready to be their “third.” I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that even without being in this still vulnerable state with the breakup. There’s part of me that wants to explore that side of life but there’s a much bigger part of me that is honestly very traditional. I’m a serial monogamist. I don’t “date around.” I don’t just fuck people because it’s fun. I encounter people for deep meaningful relationships. Whether that be friendships or more. So, I’m still wrapping my head around all of that. I mean, they can wrap their head around me being trans. I understand their lifestyle, and I’m all for it as long as they are happy. I however don’t know if I want to be a participant in it. I think it’s okay to not know that.

Continuing on.

I spent my Sunday enveloped by snacks, youtube Let’s Play’s, cat cuddles, and engrossed in a graphic novel called Saga. It might be one of the best graphic novels I have ever read. It kept me on the edge of my seat reading for hours continuously. I was amazed at how amazing it was. So Sunday was a wonderful relaxing day for me. Much needed. And the loneliness pangs were very seldom. It was nice. I felt a lot of love. I felt a lot of happiness. I didn’t feel rushed or like I could be doing something “better” with my time. I was doing exactly what I needed to do exactly when I needed to do it, and that was a major milestone for me in this journey.

There are many more to go. I am hopeful and optimistic. I am starting to feel like me again. That person I trashed so long ago for being too passionate, too needy, too emotional, too outgoing, and too confident. We are slowly getting back to the place before all this heartbreak and worthlessness took over my heart. Back to the place where I knew I could be something. And I believed it.

Hello Monday

That Night

That night you came over at 4am
i had drank more than I wanted to
in preparation of letting myself make bad decisions
and not regret them in the morning
Sara Bareilles played in the background
as you kept inching closer to me
and your head on my chest
i knew I wanted you then
and as the liquor took me over
and I placed you on my bed
and our lips met
i asked if you wanted to go to breakfast instead
and asked what your girlfriend was up to
this early in the morning when you’re in her bed
you asked if I would ever stop singing those songs
to you once our life became normalized
well, I guess I did,
but only because you told me to stop.

That Night

January 6th

Hello blank page. Today is going to be another short entry. One, because I don’t have much to say right now and two, because I don’t really feel like writing. I have had a wonderful weekend. I’ll probably go into more detail tomorrow when I write out my post for Monday. I have just been spending today hanging out with my cat and playing video games/watching tv. I bought some delicious coffee today and that’s been nice. Anyway, it’s just been a relaxing day. So now I’m going to go and spend some more time with my little floofy guy.

January 6th