The sun goes down and I’m still out walking around There’s no one that I have to confide in. So I just stay out and wander around. I like to think I’m searching for truth but really I’m just waiting for you.
Whatever that means.
You have your friends and your family and still feel alone.
I have neither and still felt alone. You were the reason why I wasn’t alone.
The loneliness sets in
The poetry is shitty
I don’t sleep anymore
Days go by and I’m left as lonely as the day before.
I feel like a part of me has died
A part I only found because of you
Who knew it was so integral to who I am
A stepping stone closer to the person I have always wanted to be
I wish you were beside me
I wish you could hold my hand through this
I wish I could be there for you
I love you.
The silence is what slowly kills me. This probably seems like a breath of fresh air but for me, it’s suffocating.
Going from talking daily and waking up to “I love you” and “Please don’t go”
How naive I was to think that this would be the last time searching.
All I want is for the silence to end.
All I want is my friend back. My confidant.
The one who was supposed to love me through anything.
I loved you through everything.
And I want to believe all your words.
But I believed them before
And I’m left hurt.
Waiting to be told in a month
Yes or no.
The space hurts and the time is killer
All I want is you in my arms again.
I could apologize over and over again
But if you don’t open up to me there’s nothing I can change.
I stopped the medication
I stopped the drinking
You want the old me back but he never left
Except this past month
To the pills
To the alcohol
I know you need space and time
But I just want you back.
I can’t seem to make my heartbeat slow down
This is around the time where everything gets messy
And I can’t catch up on my fuck ups
And I keep saying sorry but it’s starting to not matter
I stop at red lights for a little too long
Staring out my window looking at people going wherever they are going
I’m drawn to know if they are happy
And how I could be too
If I could be too
If I could just go where they’re going
See what their life is like
Maybe all my fuck ups would be put into perspective
Maybe it would make me a better writer.
Maybe I could find what I’ve been missing.
Or maybe it would just make the driver behind me
Really really pissed off.
I was born to be perceived as crazy. Someone who is gonna need a lot of help, eventually. Once it all catches up to me. Once I can’t take the shallow breathing of running away. There’s only so much devastation someone can see before they believe they are crazy. Only so much shouting and crying and pleading someone can hear before they become crazy. Before it’s all they hear. Again and again and again I hear their pleading. As the torture begins and slowly fingers and toes crack in ways they shouldn’t, tongues get split open by razors, water drips on wet towel covered faces. Every second feels like you’ve lived be to a hundred years but you’re left with nothing to show for it. Your mind starts to wander and the pain lessens. You’ve found a place that doesn’t hurt quite as much. The shouting quiets down but is played in the background like it would be at a candle light dinner and you start to wander. Your feet move and you’re surrounded by dandelions. You sit underneath your favorite tree. You watch the butterflies. You close your eyes. You breathe a full breath and exhale, slowly. The pain sets in. You place your hands in front of your face and remember what they looked like before all of this. Before you were crazy.
I’m writing this by rain light
Reach through my window