The blank page stares back at me
Until I force myself to write letters
To make words
To fill up space
To feel less empty
To find feeling
To break emotion
To wrap this moment around me
Like a blanket
Freshly dried
On a cold winter day
To fill up space
To feel loved
To feel whole
To fill the void
But also to create it.
freeverse
Ending is hard
I never wanted this to end
Not like this
I don’t know where you went
And you wont even give me a light
To try and get through this dark tunnel
You made me into something I don’t recognize anymore
I survived for months in this maze
Surprising to me
As my friends yell that this is abuse
And that I deserve better
I want you to get better
To go back to how things were
I’m surrounded by questions and thoughts
It’s not my fault you can’t deal with yourself
And why would I want to be with someone
Who can’t seem to care about me?
Except for sometimes.
I lost myself somewhere in you
How do I know I even exist anymore?
Why did you do this to us?
What did I do?
Will you ever come back?
Will I let you?
Someday You Will Love Yourself
Everyone tells me to give up on you
But I can’t.
I have heart.
I have this naivety that you’ll come back
The same way you came in
There’s an open door in the back
How about one of those surprise
from the back hugs?
Like you used to do
Where you grab my hands
Force them around me
As your arms press on top of mine –
Whisper “Some day you’ll love yourself
as much as I love you now and until that day
I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”
And I’m wondering, slowly, painfully
That day has come and passed
And I’m the only one that loves
Me now.
You Were Worth It
You wouldn’t know it
if you never really looked
at her like I do.
Not everyone walks around
and takes pictures of flowers
digital snapshots
of vivid memories.
She changes with the seasons
Seems to flow with the breeze
She’s an apathetic queen
Driven by misery shes only seen.
She wont let anyone in
It must be too damp
Or corroded
Or too cramped for her style
She’s used to being used
And sadness is just another word
Alone is not a description
Its just an existence.
It’s not my fault you don’t
feel the love I give
You don’t have to do this alone
And you never have
But you get what you give.
I have watched you walk away
Too many times to care
about the broken bones from
holding yourself too tight.
You survived and keep surviving
And all you care about is survival
I care about caring
Hugging ghostly corpses
And trying to find you in crowded bars
looking at the backs of heads in dim light
I’m starting to choke on the thick puffs
I’m starting to think none of this
Was ever worth it.
Raindrops
I feel like I met you in a different life
See, I’m not one for emotions
But there has to be something
I can’t let you know me,
So I put up walls
Small walls but big enough to trip over.
When you weren’t looking
I think I fell into you
looking for this perfect girl I lost
I pace back and forth
fiddling objects between my fingers
You tell me to relax…
It’s raining outside.
I tell you how the drops of cold
sizzle on my warm skin
You take my hand and
lead me outside
I tell you I’m not strong enough
For any of this
You hold me
we watch
My arms go from covered in red
To pink
To white
I cry
Lean into your chest
feel your breath
on my hair
You tell me to relax
Just cry
You’re safe here
I just want to sleep.
August 31st
Sidewalk cracks don’t scare me anymore
I never much cared for my mother
Something happens to a person
When it takes 2 new families
and 12 years to get a hug.
Something happens to a person
When they’re shoved in small corners
Woken up in the middle of the night
by maglites and drive-bys
Something happens to a person
If they survive.
August 23rd
The phone rang at 12:47am.
6 hours after I asked you to call me
5 hours after I took
4 muscle relaxers washed down with
3 shots of vodka and then
2 colorful pills I’ve never seen before.
1 long sleep
And I still fucking woke up this morning
The Silence Slowly Kills Us
We sat in silence
Staring at each other
So close to feel our bodies heat
Not like before when our bodies
Would lay stretched out in
Each others arms.
It had been 3 days since we talked,
A week since this violent whirl
Of emotion wrapped you into its
cyclone chain linked arms.
It has not disposed of you yet,
And I’m wondering 2 weeks later
If it ever will.
You cried and kissed me.
You told me you have no idea
What’s going on with you.
I don’t want to give up on you.
I want to fight with you.
But you have to let me in.
I’m not the killing type
But if I kill this version of you
Will the old one resurface?
Because,
I miss her
And,
I hate this silence.
Holidays
My mother is drunk by noon
and my father is leaving with
one drunk uncle to the store
something about “the ham was good
but the dryers broke for $50 and
some weed I’ll fix it.”
Other uncle is enabling my
alcoholic mother who can’t hold
her liquor.
Smoking joints in the kitchen
and popping volumes.
My uncle wants lust
My mother wants to be wanted
and loved.
Both never find it at the bottom
of a bottle.
But by the time they get there
they feel like they do.
Winston
Winston sat next to me
at the breakfast bar
down the street.
He made conversation like
a horny old man who knew
when to quit.
Because back then
He tells me
you had to woo a woman
or beat her. Only one
of those could be done in public.
He woo’d the waitress
who forgot to fill up his coffee
twice and wouldn’t let her live it down
even though she had never forgotten
in the 30 years he’s been going
to this breakfast restaurant.
I’m not sure if he was divorced
or just bored. But he made me laugh
when he told her she didn’t
“Know how to use a joystick,
if you get what I’m sayin’ kid.”
ajaxpoetry 