Clock Tower

It’s crazy how I can drive down the same roads
Walk the same paths to some certain destination
See the same sights and entirely miss others

I’ve lived in the same place for 2 years now
Heard the same trains
The same trucks
Even see some of the same faces in these
Same places

Yet this is a new bench I am sitting on
Staring at this clock tower on the courthouse
I hear it ding every hour of every day
And I have just now noticed how
The octagonal bricks are a light gray and blue
Alternating every 3-4 lines in the structure

It’s very possible this structure will be here
Long after I am gone and I could have gone
My whole life with not even seeing the details
Of this building that was most likely here
Before I was even an idea in creation

It makes me realize how caught up in the big of this life I get and how I miss the facial expressions of the people in the cars that pass by on the road in front of the clock tower that has octagonal bricks alternating from light gray to light blue every 3-4 lines in the structure that has been here long before I was even an idea.

Friends

My friends think 3 months is long enough to get over you. I’m being shoved into people and conversations I don’t want to have over and over again. I appreciate what they are trying to do but everyone heals on their own time and at this point I’m not sure I’ll ever get over you.

Midnight Thoughts

When I can’t sleep 

I write
But now with you in my life
When I can’t sleep
I write and
Think about you
And currently all I can think about
Is how this
Whatever we’re doing
This falling in love
I hope I do it better
This diving into deep water
I hope I swim better
This walking into a dark room
I hope I don’t break too many things
This understanding of your lifes language
I hope I listen better
This love
I hope it puts every John Green book
To shame. 

We Will Win.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. How the media, religion, societal standards all want us to be “normal.” To not have different sexual orientations, to not live on various gender spectrums, to not have different body types, to “look professional because you’re an adult now”, because your skin has a different shade, to not get excited because a video game you’ve been excited about comes out but watching sports literally all the time is totally cool. Consuming Fox News constantly is all okay. 
It’s weird because by this point, most of those “not normal people” are out and proud now. So don’t we outweigh them yet? It’s hard for me to understand why it’s so important to hold onto ideals that kill people. Self righteous egotism that makes teenagers kill themselves sometimes even wrapped in the “kindness” of religion because some person somewhere told them no one will love them because they wear a dress or don’t. All of this is ridiculous to me. 
It weighs extremely heavy on me because I was that kid. I’ve met those kids. And those kids turn into adults. Extremely broken, but no one would know it, adults. 
We have parades for non normality because we still have to. Because women are still paid less. Because people of color still get denied work on the basis of their name. Because gay people can still lose their job based on who they go home with. Transgender people can’t go into whatever bathroom they belong to without being arrested or walk down the street without their existence pissing someone off and then they get beaten to death. 
Is this ridiculous for anyone else!? I stand for many things. I stand for science. I stand for being who you need to be to be able to love yourself without hurting others. I stand for consent. I stand for body autonomy. I stand against the president for the hatrid he spreads. I stand for those who can’t stand up for themselves yet. But most importantly I stand for love. And even sometimes love gets frustrated. So fuck all this shit. Millinials may have a bad name but once all the baby boomers die off, this will be our world. And we will make it better. And I will fight for that. Because too many people have died for hating themselves. And I’ll be damned that when we have control that will ever happen again. 

I hope you read this

I have stumbled upon the realization that I shouldn’t have pushed you to open up to me. And that with time, you may or may not have but I should have waited to ask. I should have asked than told. I am not going to apologize coming to you in such a hurt state and expressing questions and vulnerable places of myself to you. What I did with my emotions and expression was okay. It Is okay for me to feel hurt by you. I didn’t blame you. I don’t blame you now. I never cheated on you and I never would. Everything I have ever said to you, I meant. I love you. I want you. What if I want to wait for you? I miss you. I can’t listen to Andrea Gibson. I can’t look at art. That Dylan Thomas poem means something completely different now. I’m eating more than last time but I’m not feeling. I wanted you to hold me. Instead, you got defensive. I wanted you to tell me you don’t have answers but you’re willing to try. I wanted you to tell me you loved me and that you hoped you always would. I wanted you to tell me I was worth it. I was worth some type of sacrifice. Instead, you told me to leave. You are worth it to me. And I know that sounds hypocritical now because I left, because I couldn’t deal with it. And if you’re worth the pain, sacrifice, and time why did I leave? Because you broke me. Because you told me to leave. Because I don’t wake up in cold sweats at night wondering if you’ll respond or call me to say good night. Because I don’t wonder what you are doing with your life that makes it so tremendously difficult for you to have time for me. When I have always had time for you, even when I didn’t. That’s unhealthy, and even though I tried there is not enough alcohol in the world to make the hurt from you blatantly pushing me out of your life away. The optimist inside of me wants to think you didn’t mean to. That you just care about you and that’s about it, and that’s just who you are and what we had was how it was always going to me. But I remember a much different person, then this new person that showed up in my relationship with you. If this was 3 years ago I would have no problem trying to work it out again because I know you love me back. But, I can’t. The past 2 months were terrible to me. I didn’t eat. I drank every day. I waited and hoped for you. I pushed my feelings aside for you. I want to know your side, but you never told me. I would have listened. I loved you and I fucked up and I am sorry that I hurt you.

Ending is hard

I never wanted this to end
Not like this
I don’t know where you went
And you wont even give me a light
To try and get through this dark tunnel
You made me into something I don’t recognize anymore
I survived for months in this maze
Surprising to me
As my friends yell that this is abuse
And that I deserve better
I want you to get better
To go back to how things were
I’m surrounded by questions and thoughts
It’s not my fault you can’t deal with yourself
And why would I want to be with someone
Who can’t seem to care about me?
Except for sometimes.
I lost myself somewhere in you
How do I know I even exist anymore?
Why did you do this to us?
What did I do?
Will you ever come back?
Will I let you?

Someday You Will Love Yourself

Everyone tells me to give up on you
But I can’t.
I have heart.
I have this naivety that you’ll come back
The same way you came in
There’s an open door in the back
How about one of those surprise
from the back hugs?
Like you used to do
Where you grab my hands
Force them around me
As your arms press on top of mine –
Whisper “Some day you’ll love yourself
as much as I love you now and until that day
I’ll love you enough for the both of us.”
And I’m wondering, slowly, painfully
That day has come and passed
And I’m the only one that loves
Me now.

Don’t call her Moody

She asked to listen to
my hipster music
she couldn’t get in the mood
without it
she was too drunk
and too happy to
get in the mood
too many heartbeats
too much sadness
too much me
to get in the mood.

Reevaluating Regrets

Lips like burned words
on a page
Set fire to misery
and “I don’t
have time for you’s”
I wouldn’t have done this
If you just said
you loved me
like you did before
but with feeling
this time none of
this would have happened
I don’t regret it
I don’t regret you
I just want you back.

Writing

She drives me crazy
In all the right ways
Rights my wrongs into
Writings
Angry and cold
My hands freeze
When they touch you
My body is
on fire.
I want this
To be over.