I hope you read this

I have stumbled upon the realization that I shouldn’t have pushed you to open up to me. And that with time, you may or may not have but I should have waited to ask. I should have asked than told. I am not going to apologize coming to you in such a hurt state and expressing questions and vulnerable places of myself to you. What I did with my emotions and expression was okay. It Is okay for me to feel hurt by you. I didn’t blame you. I don’t blame you now. I never cheated on you and I never would. Everything I have ever said to you, I meant. I love you. I want you. What if I want to wait for you? I miss you. I can’t listen to Andrea Gibson. I can’t look at art. That Dylan Thomas poem means something completely different now. I’m eating more than last time but I’m not feeling. I wanted you to hold me. Instead, you got defensive. I wanted you to tell me you don’t have answers but you’re willing to try. I wanted you to tell me you loved me and that you hoped you always would. I wanted you to tell me I was worth it. I was worth some type of sacrifice. Instead, you told me to leave. You are worth it to me. And I know that sounds hypocritical now because I left, because I couldn’t deal with it. And if you’re worth the pain, sacrifice, and time why did I leave? Because you broke me. Because you told me to leave. Because I don’t wake up in cold sweats at night wondering if you’ll respond or call me to say good night. Because I don’t wonder what you are doing with your life that makes it so tremendously difficult for you to have time for me. When I have always had time for you, even when I didn’t. That’s unhealthy, and even though I tried there is not enough alcohol in the world to make the hurt from you blatantly pushing me out of your life away. The optimist inside of me wants to think you didn’t mean to. That you just care about you and that’s about it, and that’s just who you are and what we had was how it was always going to me. But I remember a much different person, then this new person that showed up in my relationship with you. If this was 3 years ago I would have no problem trying to work it out again because I know you love me back. But, I can’t. The past 2 months were terrible to me. I didn’t eat. I drank every day. I waited and hoped for you. I pushed my feelings aside for you. I want to know your side, but you never told me. I would have listened. I loved you and I fucked up and I am sorry that I hurt you.