December 31st, 2019

I started 2019 lonelier than I had ever been up to that point in my life. The struggle to understand why I was so angry at the world and what I had become became the only thing I cared about. I spent most of my 2019 sober. I wanted to know that I could do it. Live my life without other substances to get through my problems. Because my problem was me. And I was blaming anything and anyone for all that I was going through. I did a lot of things on my list from the year before. I wrote almost everyday. I got published. I saved over $5,000. And this year I am working on $10,000. I took classes to get closer to my degree. I got a promotion. I now make more money than I ever thought I would in my entire life. I started volunteering. I started to learn how to say “no” to people who took advantage of my generosity. I made new friends. I lost some of those friends. I played music out at open mics. I started testosterone. I came out to more people. I made art. My art was shown all over Cleveland. I went out and took pictures. My art was in the newspaper. I learned how to love again. I learned how to do things even though they are scary. I grew. A lot. I worked. A lot. I met a person that makes me feel like I can be something. Like I already am something. Like I was never nothing and all I had to do was just start doing. When this decade started I was 18 years old. I was lost and in love. I was broken. And everyone I surrounded myself with was broken too. And miserable. I’d love to reflect more but there’s a beautiful woman sitting next to me as I write this and she has been teaching me to live in the moment. And I have been loving every minute of these lessons.

I will not be doing anything much more different this year or this decade but I do know that I wont quit trying. And even when the days are rough and I feel raw and broken, I know I have it in me to continue on. And that’s what 2019 taught me. That I am worth the fight.